insidiose: (seven devils in my house)
credence. ([personal profile] insidiose) wrote in [personal profile] mund 2017-04-17 08:57 am (UTC)

→ a little priest

[ to be perfectly honest, credence knows what he's doing is wrong. or, well - he hasn't acted on anything yet, but he's been thinking and that's enough of a sin on its own. he should be ashamed and he is, but he can't stop. ever since his mother has had him going to church almost more than he gets to stay at home he's hated it except for the fact that it's not as bad as at home.

as strict as the church is, there's a possibility of salvation and atonement. at home there's only his mother's overzealous beliefs and her ideas of one mistake - one tiny mistake - damning you forever. credence supposes he must be damned, then. the thought of it makes him anxious but if god is forgiving like he's taught in church then he'd rather spend his time there. he goes to his classes to learn what he's meant to and stays afterward, reading or praying or helping with anything that he can. only in part so he doesn't have to go home.

but now on to the problem: he's started to like church a lot more since father graves came from another church. he thinks that's sinful on his own, playing favorites, but if it was just that it would be better. instead he looks at the older man and thinks about how attractive he is, how he's kind even though he's stern, how much credence likes him, and...

he thinks about other things too, things that he's ashamed of. of being kissed by him, touched by him--worse. (better?) in any case it makes him shy and skittish, more than he even would be, and most days credence can barely look him in the eye. when he does he's sure he imagines that father graves is looking at him in any remotely similar way. he's imagining that the brush of a hand on his shoulder means something too, like all the rest of his imaginings.

it's sinful.

sometimes he gets overwhelmed and excuses himself from being tutored for a few moments - lying and saying he needs to go to the bathroom is a sin too, he knows - but he always just needs a moment to breathe and stop his heart from beating right out of his chest. what does he want from him? affection? something more? credence is too scared to even ask himself that.

today he's so anxious that he has to excuse himself early and ends up leaning against the wall near the bathroom door rather than even hiding inside, head tipped forward and hands in his hair as he tries to relax. ]
Stop being stupid, Credence.

[ it's barely audible even to himself and he closes his eyes, wondering how long it's going to take for his cheeks to fade from the flustered red tinge they've taken on. it's not even anything father graves has done: he's just helping him work, quizzing him on the proper answers, doing what needs to be done. but to be in such close proximity to him, to feel his presence, to have him so close that credence could reach out to touch him... he drops his head back until it thunks against the wall behind him. he needs to hurry back so father graves doesn't come looking for him, but he's too lost in thought to remember that just now.

he's definitely going to hell for this, and that is even worse. ]

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